Archive | August, 2021

No You Can’t

27 Aug
Sometimes you need more than enthusiasm.

A Very Clever Fellow

25 Aug

The Squire is a great guy to have around when you have a problem, always able to come up with a solution.

I’ve been working for eons on a cross-stitch cover for a prie dieu for the church I attend. (Given my age and the size of this project, this probably wasn’t the smartest thing I’ve ever done, but there you are.) A friend offered a standing embroidery frame, which is much appreciated, but I couldn’t figure out how to put my fabric on it. She had stapled her project to the rollers, which didn’t appeal to me.

Enter The Squire.

I had considered getting some clamps, but he pointed out those wouldn’t hold the fabric evenly all the way across. He found a strip of carpet tack left over from some other project, and attached it to the top and bottom rollers, then used a scrap of the old carpet to press the Aida cloth down onto the tacks. This way, I can remove the project and put it into a regular embroidery hoop if I want to take it with me, and then easily reattach it.

Very clever, that man I married.

But It’s Too Danged Hot

14 Aug

A friend and I were discussing which we would give up first – running water or air conditioning. We decided on the latter.

Big Bucks

8 Aug

Several weeks ago we were completely out of bird seed, and I asked The Squire to pick some up when he was in Fallston. He came home and I heard him dump seed into the trash can we use as a seed bin. “How helpful of him”, I thought. When he came inside, he announced he’d gotten enough to last a while. “I’m not sure it’s our regular brand, but it was a lot less expensive, so I got three bags.” NEVER, never buy bird seed you can’t see! It is honestly junk. Some cracked corn, a bit of millet (canary seed) and mostly milo. The only birds that will touch it are starlings, grackles, and red-wing blackbirds. Finally, in sheer desperation, I have been filling a kitty litter bucket halfway and dumping the seed out in the “back forty” – the Baltimore Gas and Electric right-of-way behind the barn.

Last night there was a deer out in the clearing, so large I thought it was a horse, until he raised his head and I saw the antlers. He was joined by a second, slightly smaller buck, both of them munching along the path left when I swung the first bucketful of seed across the lot. At least, somebody likes it! I’ll have to keep carrying it out there until I run out of the darned stuff. I may have to send The Squire back up to actually buy more of the darned stuff!

The War of 1812

5 Aug

A friend sent me this story. I hope you enjoy it!

 Yesterday, I wore my Vietnam Veteran cap to Wal-Mart.  There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world’s largest retailer; but, since I retired,  trips to “Wally World” to look at the “Walmartians” is always good for some comic   relief.    Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent   the establishment.
But, I digress. . . enough of my psychological fixations.

While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early   thirties,  asked, “Are you a Viet Nam Vet?”

“No,” I replied.

“Then why are you wearing that cap?”

“Because I couldn’t find the one from the War of 1812 . . .”

I thought it was a snappy retort.

“The War of 1812, huh?” the “Walmartian” queried, “When was that?”

God forgive me, but I couldn’t pass up such an opportunity . . “1946”, I answered,   as straight-faced as possible.

He pondered my response for a moment and responded, “Why do they call it the War of   1812 if it was in 1946?”

“It was a Black Op Mission.   No one is supposed to know about it.”

This was beginning to become fun!

“Dude! Really?” He exclaimed. “How did you get to do something that COOOOL?”

I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice   said, “I’m not sure.  I was the only Caucasian on the mission.”

“Dude,” he was really getting excited about what he was hearing, “that is seriously awesome! But, didn’t you kind of stand out?”

“Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage.”

The moron nodded knowingly.

“Listen man,” I said in a very serious tone, “You can’t tell anyone about this.  It’s still classified ‘Top Secret’ and I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Oh yeah?” he gave me the ‘don’t threaten me look . . “Like, what’s gonna’ happen   if I do?”

With a really hard look I said, “You have a family don’t you? We wouldn’t want anything to happen to them, would we?”
The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door.   The lady behind me started laughing so hard I thought she was about to have a heart attack.   I just grinned at her.

After checking out and going to the parking lot, I saw dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman.
Upon catching sight of me, he started pointing excitedly in my direction.

Giving him another ‘deadly’ serious look, I made the ‘I see you’ gesture.  He turned   kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking lot.

 And these people VOTE!  

What a great time!  Tomorrow I’m going back, wearing my Homeland Security cap.

Then the next day I will go to the driver’s license bureau wearing my Border Patrol  hat, and see how long it takes to empty the place.

Whoever said retirement is boring?  You just need to wear the right kind of cap!

See you guys at Walmart