I have a Hole in My Head

11 Jan

It’s official.

I have had trouble catching my breath since I was a small child. I was about eight when I announced to my parents that “I can breath in twice without having to breathe out”. My father thought this was interesting, but my mother snapped “That’s ridiculous. Russell, don’t encourage her.”

I never mentioned it again, but when I was in the tenth or eleventh grade my dad took me to the doctor, who said it was a problem with my diaphragm, nothing serious, and gave me some sort of tiny yellow pills – probably a tranquilizer.

Anyway, after many years of fighting this problem, which is often so severe I have to hang from a door frame to force air into my lungs, the doctors have decided that I have sleep apnea (Hello, I’m wide awake.) and prescribed a CPAP. We will not discuss the actual sleep study, which frankly ought to be covered by the Geneva Convention, but I have been given a machine which pumps air into my lungs.

Way too much air. I can’t breath it all in, and The Squire says sometimes my cheeks bulge out, and the air escaping from my lips makes a noise like a sail flapping in the wind. It’s a shame I sound as if I’m three sheets to the wind, when I haven’t had the pleasure of getting royally drunk. Every time I use the blasted thing, my ears pop, the way they do when you go up in an airplane.

And this afternoon, when I went to take my nap, I heard a popping noise, and air began whistling out of my left ear!

I called the doctor’s office immediately, but of course this is a weekend, so I won’t be able to contact him until Monday. The machine has simply been set WAY too high, but it’s not something the patient can adjust, but I think the CPAP and I are going to part ways.

One Response to “I have a Hole in My Head”

  1. ReverendRef January 12, 2014 at 1:53 am #

    I have to hang from a door frame

    I should probably refrain from asking if you wear a cape when you do this ….

    But seriously, I hope you get that taken care of.

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